ON LOVE BEFORE LOSS
(CONTINUED FROM PAIN MASQUERADING AS LOVE) At the start of my Saturn return (which is around 28 years old), I invited someone ‘foreign’ into my life with a messy start that triggered both of our early childhood abandonment wounds. He was my choice, though. An “illegal immigrant” from south of the border whose colorful life was filled with daring stories of narrow escape and an exciting new lifestyle. I reveled in his storytelling. I also crumbled during our four-year relationship in which he was highly emotionally unavailable as well as addicted to being high.
By 32 though, I had recommitted to following my own heart once again and showing up in the dance. Three days a week, I had the opportunity to drop into my body with other human beings on a dance floor in San Diego County where we committed to the moments at hand and simply remembered how to connect. To ourselves. And, then, to each other. It is this merry group of intergenerational movers and shakers who modeled and, ultimately, taught me how to let go even more and allow for more intimacy in my life. At first, I wanted to run away.
I wanted to judge them as not being good enough,
or as being weird, white, hippies flailing about.
I wanted to believe that I didn’t need them,
or to be touched by any of them.
Back in my parent’s home with the television blaring on a Friday night though, and I had to admit to myself that I was wrong. Slowly, I came to accept that Joy, Innocence, Vulnerability & Ecstasy, along with Pain, Sadness, & so much more, are all our birthright.
And then, unbeknownst to me, my future life partner and the father of my soon-to-bee son walked into our dance studio doors. Even though it was, for me, instantaneous soul recognition - from the get go of our first meeting - I still bumbled. For eighteen more months, I continued to choose emotionally unavailable people to sexually engage with as well as “Shadow Kings.” But, for the first time ever, I let go of who I *thought* I “could,” or “should,” be with and, instead, I just allowed myself to be open. What happens then?
Maybe, you realize it is time to allow yourself to be loved and you choose the person who actually loves you. (And not the person you envision about loving –
"If only they…..") Someone who seeks you out.
Who shows an eagerness in getting to know you.
Who shows up at your house, or your work, with briefcase in hand, and a beat-up car out front just to spend time with you.
Someone who is unafraid to be vulnerable and asks to hold your hand, or to kiss you. That One. Or, maybe, you take the risk to be this person for someone else. To put yourself out there. To open yourself up to the possibility of rejection. To choose love over fear.
Choose love over fear, friends. [To read "LOVE AFTER LOSS: Becoming Whole" go here]