Updated: Mar 3
During my first sexual awakening, at the tender age of 16, I was overtaken by a physical sensation within my body when I witnessed a classmate, with whom I had spent the past few months openly flirting with, put on someone else’s cotton, flannel shirt and then tear it off at the seams by simply flexing his muscles.
Holy fuck! I was overcome by the estrogen, progesterone and testosterone flooding my system and there was no denying my body the insatiable hunger that it now possessed. Unfortunately, I was not raised within a sex positive or body positive environment. (Just as most of us weren’t.) The ideas about sex that were being handed down were ridiculous. “Don’t do it.” “Your body is a temple.” “Your first time has to be special.” And on and on it went.
Without anyone I could talk to about what was happening inside of my body, I did my best to navigate a tumultuous time. I also felt the need to create a relationship with someone, who was absolutely incapable of intimacy and vulnerability, when all I really wanted to do was to have sex with him.
As you can imagine, our being together was dramatic. He “cheated on me” with numerous girls, even being so emboldened as to have us all hang out together. He and his best friend would snicker in the living room, as I sat out on the back patio with one of his latest conquests. Back then, I didn’t understand my gift of being able to see in the dark, and I didn’t have my voice yet. I remember that Thanksgiving holiday, when I was in a swimming pool with my best friend at the time, and I came up from under the water with my dark hair covering my face.
“What am I?” I asked my bestie.
“Cousin It?” she replied.
“I am the boys’ favorite thing…. A whole without a face.”
Ouch. I was a senior in high school and this painfully aware and self-deprecating. If only I had had wise guidance…
Yeah, I saw all of his behaviors happening right under my nose but, honestly, I didn’t care. I, too, was just using him for his body. There was no language for this back then in 1993. Even today, almost 30 years later, and it is hard to transparently communicate: “I just want to have sex with you, and use you for your body. Can we agree to this?” “Yes? And…it will probably only happen this one time. Okay?”
Okay. This may be implied by Tinder and our other online, hookup apps but the lack of verbal consent does not serve us. We have to be able to talk about it – all of it.
Thus, I quickly learned that when my body is magnetized by an insane attraction for another person’s body (which, for me, is typically a man’s, as I experience something electric in a strong man’s body, and in touching with my fingertips, skin and tongue, his flat waist that gives way to the slight curve of pectoral muscles, which leads to his toned biceps and triceps or his rock-hard quads. Rawwwrrr…) then he and I usually share similar core wounds. Not so shockingly, when we jump into sex, these unhealed parts of ourselves rise to the surface. That’s a lot to deal with when you are just wanting to engage in the animal pleasures of the body. That’s the thing about sex though. It’s all about pleasure. Anyone can pleasure anyone, and there is a myriad of ways to experience pleasure. Pleasure is a deeply personal pursuit. So, then I realized that I didn’t need carnal desire to have sex, and I was probably better off without it if I wanted to have an actual relationship. (Which is where greater juice, and chances for our evolution, lay.)
Thus it is how it is how my three, long-term relationships did not include red, hot chemistry. Chemistry can be developed, especially through intimacy and deeper connection - which is where great sex exists, anyways.
But this post is actually about the men who are deeply afraid of vulnerability, emotions and feelings. I call them SHADOW KINGS, and I attract them to me like moths to a flame. (Because my Daddy remains in the shadows to this day. :( )
They are often easy to identify as they like to throw around words like Light, Christ Consciousness, the Feminine & Masculine and more, but they don’t know actually how to embody these ideals. Or, they can be found largely in bars and other darkly lit spaces, standing around with other men, usually hoping to get laid.
I briefly dated one Shadow King who loved to pray over his glass bottle filled with pure water. When we would see each other, he would want me to run and jump into his arms like one of his other girl-friends did. For my dance studio’s one-year anniversary celebration, where San Diego’s hottest, local band was headlining, he showed up late, casually dressed and empty handed.
Meanwhile, the following week, he shared pictures on his phone with me of his attending the pole dance performance of the aforementioned friend in which he was dressed to the nines and armed with a large, floral bouquet. “Um, I think you should ask her out,” I said in response, as we sat next to each other in a vegan-eatery. “You’re just jealous,” he quipped. “Excuse me?” Are you freakin' kiddin' me? Yeah, I ended that dating relationship that night, during which he had the nerve to squeeze out a few tears over it. Are you for real?!
Can you men please just be honest with yourselves, especially about what you want and your fears that keep you from going after this? And, if you don’t know, then channel your sexual energy into becoming clear on what your desires and needs are first.
Another example is: a shadow king is someone who breaks up with you, and makes it about you. (If he blames his negative behaviors on you on the whole, then Get.Out.Now.) Such as, “You’re not attractive enough.” “You don’t wear lingerie.” Or, “You don’t speak my same, personal development language.” Instead of just owning his own discomfort and clearly stating, “I don’t want do this anymore. I am sorry. It’s not working for me. I need something else” and then walking away – with no looking back, and no texting or further flirting.